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Jul 30, 2009

Fuck the UMAT.

Fuck waiting for an hour in processing, and then spending another two and a half hours answering questions.  I don't care what Florentine was feeling towards her mother.  Nor do I care what picture comes next in the sequence.  Just fucking let me out.

It didn't really help that Dad felt it necessary to kick my ass, emotionally.  On the drive up, when I didn't have a precise address for the venue (because, ya know, it's a fucking racecourse and just a little difficult to miss?!), he went off at me about being "unhelpful" and "useless".  More so because I refused to keep searching for it on the GPS.  I dunno.  Father dear's more than a little strange some days.

But nah.  We were out by... I think, Huntingdale Road, when he went off at me.  Told him to just pull over, I'd walk home.  And for the first time in my life, I heard a sincere "I'm sorry" from my father.

So we get up to the racecourse, except... I had no idea where to actually go.  So he left the car to go find someone.  While looking through all my shiz to see if I could find a contact number, I happened to locate... not a precise address, but something more helpful than before.  Driving back out to it, Dad started with the "you couldn't have found that before?"  I had to come back with "Yeah, that's what you want to do before my exam?  Do you think I'm so stupid that I don't realise when I do wrong?  Why do you feel the constant need to point it out?"  All quiet, after that.

Ooh, I'm still leaving, though.

The rest of the day was... a mixed bag.  Got Ben his birthday present, but not Kimmy.  :\  More shopping is necessary, methinks.  And... I dunno.  The James thing makes me feel guilty as hell.  I just... I do and I don't regret it.  You know?  I regret that I've somehow hurt Brian.  More than that, I regret that... some part of me enjoyed it.  Not to say that I think I should be on complete lockdown against other people.  Just feels so wrong, somehow.  I mean, he knows he's temporary, so I guess that's one good thing.  There won't be any more invested in any of this.  And I won't let there be anything more than friendship.  He's not... not right for me.  I mean, fun, and all.  And a wicked good shot with the air rockets.  But I just... can't picture forever.  You know?

I realise that at the start, I couldn't quite picture forever with Brian, either.  But... who else is going to love me like he has?  Who else am I going to be able to love like this, share this epic connection with?  I'm fortunate enough to have found something some people spend forever looking for.  I'm not going to hold my breath on it happening again.

Still, even mindless enjoyment of something I wasn't aware I was craving is has potential to be is bad, when it's not with the person I've been wanting.

I should shut up and go to bed.  Goodnight.

Posted via web from youretrulypre.posterous

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