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Aug 5, 2009

Yay for chemicals!

In all the crap from father dear, I neglected to mention a number of things:
  • Doc. W enjoyed placing heated metal on my hands probably more than he should have yesterday.  :P  Inducted heat is fun.
  • I took entirely too much joy out of playing with 10M HCl acid today.  But hey, it's there for the burning, right?  It's only a little caustic.  What's a pH of -1 going to do...?
  • [watching Citizen Kane, the scene where he first meets Ms. Alexander]
    Mr. T:  How does she come off to the audience, here?
    Kate:  ...Seductive?
    [note:  this is right as she was talking some crap about getting him [Kane] hot water.  Not really seductive.  But ::shrugs:: Whatever floats your boat, I guess.]
It's almost the time of year to go sign up for the SAT again.  I know, I know, I can't afford to be overseas, father won't pay, blah blah blah.  Dunno.  Since the MBBS at Gippsland is a post-graduate degree (which is why it didn't show up on Coursesearch, Brian), I kinda stand little to no chance of moving out if I want to do medicine here.  Oh, and I so want to do medicine here.  I could go do a BSc for four years at Gippsland, but then it'll be a good 10 years before I'm done with school.  Um, no thanks.

I dunno.  Maybe my damn ship will come in, and I'll be lucky enough to go somewhere... anywhere, to be away.  I can't stand Australia, Melbourne, at moment.  The city is still beautiful, it just doesn't hold my interest like it used to.  I spent another 15 minutes being basically invisible and trying to ignore Tash and Kimmy being all over each other.  And I'm not even sure why that bothers me.  It's not so much Kimmy telling me she's not really into being in a relationship with Tash, and acting otherwise.  Might just be good old-fashioned jealousy, because I have no-one to use as a pony for a while.  ::shrugs::

Everything holds a semi-surreal sense.  Everything is blurred, but it's not.  Everyone is asking me if something's wrong, and I have to stop and ask myself if there is anything.  I don't have anything to be feeling wrong about.  I'm making my peace with everything there is trouble with (what choice do I have, if I want to keep my place?), there's been nothing new to rile me, and yet, there's an overwhelming sense of wrong.  I no longer belong.  My wants, my needs, no longer fit in nicely to some pre-determined pattern.  Seems to be that for no reason other than that I am me, and they are them, I am going to forever be the one that just doesn't quite fit.

Oh, I know, this isn't the case from where they're standing.  I'm going to see Much Ado About Nothing (call the SS Office for tickets; and no, that's not a ship) next week with Rob, Mary, Kate, and an unnamed adult.  And I still sort of consider Kate my mommy, and Rod my daddy, since both my parents failed abysmally in that... parenting role (which worries me.  What kind of parent will I be, when both my own kinda sucked?  Then again, I suppose there's not much I can do but have a go and pray for the best.  Hardly the most effective approach; but is there any other?).  I've made my peace (somewhat) with that [failed parents] as well.  But... things aren't quite the same any more.  Dunno.  Detachment is getting to be a very real problem with me and the rest of the world.

I don't even know why I'm writing this now.  I don't know why I never before now, put down on digital paper my growing indifference to the world at large.  Well, not for a long time, at least.  Perhaps because, not for the first time this week, I was abruptly woken at an un-Godly hour because someone felt it appropriate to turn the heater way fucking up.  Perhaps because when I confronted said person (hint: he won't stop treating me like a fucking child), he told me to "just block the vents" like it wasn't going to pose a fire hazard.  Perhaps because I'm growing fed up with having to set my needs aside for someone else to dally about.  Or perhaps because I'm simply becoming a selfish bitch.

Not sure whether I look forward to this change or not.

It doesn't matter.  I'm really fucking tired.  So I'm going to go nap before playing with electricity (10kV, yay!).  Just noticed that I never dropped off my chem stuff.  Well, bugger that.  I can do that in the brief intermission between 4 and 5.


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