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Oct 18, 2009

So, tf?

Okay, I'll concede I did wrong by not first asking you for permission to haul other people into it.

But knowing your propensity for making plans that begin with a perfectly good premise and end with "Nah, can't be bothered" or a similar, conclusive phrase, I felt as if it would be okay for me to ask others to be involved.  More people = less work.  Not once did you directly mention to me, "Linh, I don't want this to be a project where you bring in other people."  Not once did you raise the issue with me, choosing instead to simply ignore the other people involved.

Then you go tell me I have no right to do this.  Fine.  Not once did you actually outright tell me any of this, choosing to instead complain about it now when it's a tad late to call everyone and cancel.  But that's okay, I'll just tell Shane and that that we're all out.  And so now out of spite or whatever, you're out too.  Christ almighty.

I had no right to try to get a project you wanted done, done?  I had no right to try to make the last week for my friends and yours great?  I had no right to maybe put you in a position where you can become friends with my friends, instead of you just telling me they're "not your type of people"?  Christ almighty, Ben, I've seen you with my group maybe 5 times in the entire time we've known them, and that's a generous estimate.  How the heck do you know they're not your type of people?

And then you come out of the blue, guns blazing, telling me I'd won and you hope you'll never see me again.  Won what, precisely?  A competition I had no idea was happening?  An argument where I'd already conceded wrong and backed out?

Mad, you are.  And I'm beginning to think I'm a little mad myself for attempting to make things actually easy for you to integrate you into my circle, for telling Kimmy and Tash to cut you slack.  Not that you ever cut them any.  Not that you made any discernible effort to actually be friends with my friends.

Here, for you.

Insane, Damien Rice

Should I speak?
Should I bother shaking hands?
Am I weak If I leave it as it stands?
I've submerged
And I've surfaced with the blame
I guess I'm no good, I guess I'm insane

Should I go, if she calls out my name?
And if she bleeds, should I wipe up the stain?
And if I'm low, can I drown in this rain?
I guess I'm no good, I guess I'm insane

And I hate when you say
That I never fight for you
Sometimes you breathe
All over my scar
And you always end up
Closer than close
That's where I give in

Should I confess
The actions of a hand
In my mind
I'll betray you once again
Why should I climb?
What is there to gain?
This is no good
This is insane

And I hate when you say
That I never fight for you
Sometimes you breathe
All over my scar
And you always end up
Closer than close
That's whenre I give in

You're taking, you're taking
You're taking me down
You're taking, you're taking
You're taking me down
And you always end up
Closer than close
That's where I give in

I've been playing this the way you wanted pretty much entirely.  You wanted to be there, I let you be there.  You wanted me wherever, I let you be wherever.  You wanted to come over, I coerced my parents to allow it to happen.  I put more on the line for you than you realise, risking my friendships, severing friendships, pushing the envelope with my family, to allow you to be in as close a proximity to me as was possible for you to be comfortable.  And apparently, that's still not enough.

You want me gone?  Fine.  I'm gone.

Posted via web from youretrulypre.posterous

2 comments:

  1. You never gave me a chance to tell you I didn't want you to bring in other people. You just did it.

    You just took control. I didn't want it to be a project with 15 people. I wanted it to be a project for just you and me.

    I've tried being friends with your friends. More than you realise. Just because you haven't seen me with them, doesn't mean I haven't tried.

    You'd tried to get rid of me for so long, I finally conceded. You lost me. I'm gone.

    You risked your friendships. You severed your friendships. You pushed the envelope with your family. I risked my sanity for you. I lost my sanity for you.

    I hate you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. A simple "Hey, do you mind not getting them involved?" after the fact would have been nicer than "You stole my idea", three days before it was going to be executed.

    You wanted it to be a project between you and me -- but didn't care to tell me of any of the extra plans you'd made to make this happen?

    Funny, because every time I see you with them, you're either being passively aggressive against Kimmy or Tash, or outright ignoring them altogether. A simple basic level of courtesy was absent, almost entirely. That's trying?

    Tell me, when did I "try" to get rid of you? When, in my darkest moments, I genuinely needed peace and loneliness, and you continued to enforce your presence on me to the point where I had to push you forcefully? When I tried to be friends with people not you, when I tried to have a life away from you? When I tried, unsuccessfully, to integrate the facets of my life that involved you and them? When I tried to encourage you to make friends with people not me, not to be rid of you but to encourage you to be a better, more independent person? When, in all of this, did I "tr[y] to get rid of [you]"?

    I asked you to go. I knew what you were risking. I told you outright, to get the hell out of my life. I told you to give up, to go away, to save yourself. You chose to stay. Your suffering is of your own manufacture. I didn't choose to stay around for you, as much as leaving made me feel horribly guilty. Still does. But hey, you're not going to change, and I'm through with putting up with the constant neediness.

    You hate me? Funny, because I don't hate you. I don't have any particular feeling of animosity, besides pure unadulterated frustration at you. But remember that it was you, and not I, who cut ties. It was you and not I that suggested I go, and go for good. It was you who went and advertised for a new best friend. If this is the way you treat your best friends, pushing them to the ends of their wits so they have to go? Then I feel awfully, awfully sorry for the next. And for yourself, for your apparent inability to rein yourself the fuck in.

    This will be the last time you hear from me. I shall respect your wishes to be alone, as you have rarely respected mine.

    Come back when you've grown up some, when you're not so prone to flying off the handle at me.

    ReplyDelete

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