A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
A few days later he received a letter from his son::Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son::Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
I love you,
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'The man said, 'I do, Father.'The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.' Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?''Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
And one that seemed pertinent to yesterday's language analysis on that sportsmanship article:
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative."Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"The little boy nodded yes."So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you also know, when a call is made, you shouldn't argue, curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded.He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'an idiot' is it?'' Again the little boy nodded."Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?' 'Just water,' says the priest.The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
Christ, children are fucking precious. Brian: This seems vaguely relevant to yesterday's conversation, re: prestigious schools. Though this seems to apply more specifically to tertiary education.
Big dreams and little ambition
I left for college with the classic mission
To find a man and make lots of money
When I look back now it seems kind of funnyThousands of dollars in the hole
And I still haven’t answered "what's my role"
No higher reason, my low grades fester
And I register for yet another semesterI'm paying the way for soulless teachers
Who pave the way for under achievers
Students who write essays straight from the book
If there is higher thinking they're too lazy to lookWe’re creating a generation of
Illiterates beyond our reaches
And they grow up to be
Non-competitive leechesThey have big dreams and little ambition
They go to college with the classic mission
To find a mate and make lots of money
Someday they'll look back and it won't seem so funny- Cary Rogers
Ah, a classic, but I love it nevertheless:
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.A preacher is next in line behind the cabbie and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
Ben and Bri, you'd both be able to appreciate this one:
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. They continue to pick me up and handle me, an obvious attempt to subvert me. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -- and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. Tonight I will again lay on their heads while they sleep and hope to smother them.
(As you may have noticed, these are not copied verbatim. Grammatical and spelling errors vex my anal-retentive side so.) Anyway, no more epic spam. The rest of it can wait until all y'all are home and on AIM. :P I have to do my QTAC application, anyway. If this takes as long as the VTAC one did last night... ::homicidal rage:: I has a fwend. Tash is here. :D! I wonder if GMail emoticons show up on Posterous? <-- test emoticon.::yawn:: Should probably study for the Methods SAC, too. Session 5 on Thursday is quickly becoming my least favourite session of the week. :\ I'm going to either go crunch numbers (and pigs will fly) or take a nap. Goodnight.